


obsessions

by rohji



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, jisung is toxic af, theyre both really fucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:40:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23131081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rohji/pseuds/rohji
Summary: hyunjin's last night love affair is looking vulnerable in his bed again.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	obsessions

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. this is the first thing i've Ever wrote in english (it's not my first language) so if you find any mistakes please let me know !!
> 
> 2\. idk if this is actually triggering or not but hyunjin has a panic attack and is kinda graphic??? 
> 
> 3\. this was based on [marina's obsessions](https://youtu.be/np3QLrHJmRA)
> 
> that's all folks, enjoy

it's sunday. it's still dark outside, as usual, hyunjin never really had good sleeping habits. jisung is still asleep by his side. he needs a cigarette. 

it feels kinda weird waking up by the boy’s side, not a bad kind of weird, just a weird kind of weird, if that makes any sense. not because of him exactly, the whole problem relies on the fact hyunjin doesn't know  _ what _ they are. unknown things are out of hyunjin’s control and  _ that’s _ the scary part. they aren't boyfriends, obviously, jisung has chan and hyunjin hates relationships. they aren't friends either, at least he never treated any of his friends the way he treats the boy asleep. they also aren't sex partners, it feels… empty? they wouldn't cuddle every night if it was just sex, at least that's what the taller thinks. they could be lovers, maybe? but jisung doesn't do the love type, he just likes having fun. i mean, yeah, hyunjin eventually ended up falling in love with him but it doesn't really matter, he’ll never say it out loud. if anything, they are just hyunjin and jisung, but that is not even a good answer because it makes him wonder  _ what  _ is even hyunjin and jisung then he comes back to his personal paradox.

the older likes to smoke by the window, getting lost in his own thoughts while looking at the sky above. he remembers of how the two of them met. being really honest, hyunjin haven't noticed that short boy with his crooked teeth, that  _ damn  _ crooked teeth, until they got paired for a physics project. it was absolutely chaotic, they fought every single second of it. at least they got 10, but it wasn't really worth it the uncountable times the black haired boy thought about murdering jisung. 

but that was it, neither of them actually expected to see each other ever again. and they really weren't supposed to, anyways. except they ended up in the same party at the same time. fine, they could have avoided each other but the two of them were way too drunk to even think about it. all hyunjin remembers is shouting at him for  _ god knows what _ and the next thing he knows is that his dick is in jisung’s mouth. he's honestly still not sure either he thanks for that blowjob or regrets it until these days. 

at school, hyunjin tried to talk to him to make sure everything is clear but let's be real: han jisung is an absolute mess. and oh… hyunjin really wished he'd realized that sooner. he expected answers from the younger one but all he got was a making out session before the first period. he wasn't complaining, though, the other is really fucking good with his mouth, but, you know, he gets anxious really easily and that definitely wasn't helping. so he saw that: questions weren't really jisung's thing. he had to rely on his instincts and assume things on his own. 

at first, the tall boy decided to describe their relationship as acquaintances who occasionally fuck. it was great, to say the least. everything was completely under control. there were no compromise, no rules, nothing that hyunjin actually needed to worry about. well, sometimes he got actually annoyed by the sight of jisung making out with other guys but he used to just ignore it. why would he care, anyway?

because he fucking likes jisung, hyunjin realized that a while later.

neither of them were much of cuddly people. jisung feels it's too personal to let someone he just wanna have sex with be his big spoon. and hyunjin, well… hyunjin is not a big of a fan of people. but they started to be a little more affectionate with each other, they actually enjoyed the other's company. sometimes, the younger would just ramble about something he likes while resting his chin in hwang’s bare chest. and that's exactly the moment the black haired boy had made his conclusion, with jisung looking at him with his big sparkling eyes asking him what he thinks of aliens. fuck, he has a new problem.

he needed desperately stop liking him because jisung gets bored too easily for his own sake. that's why he hooks up with that much of boys, he wants new things, new feelings. otherwise he'll just get tired and move on to the long line of guys trying to get in his pants. hyunjin is not even sure how has the shorter stayed with him so long, it's been like, four years, this is insane. but he's pretty sure that's for the fact that they are still a secret to everyone. no one knows about them, not even yeji knows about them and she's hyunjin’s fucking twin sister. he can record of the blonde saying once how fun is hiding everything, every mark, every kiss. and that's another reason why he'll never tell jisung about his feelings even if they are reciprocated (they aren't), they'll get into a relationship that in the first week will be absolutely perfect and after that the hill just goes down. proof of that: a couple of months after their thing started, jisung had decided he's tired of just hooking up. not hooking up, actually, but in a relationship besides getting dick he gets spoiled. he's cute, smart, hot and gives the best heads someone could ever give, of course everyone would give him anything for it. with that been said, the boy had over 15 relationships in less than two years, each of them having lasted two week to two months. jisung gets bored, what can he do.

“what are you thinking?” he feels two arms wrap his waist. 

“stuff.” hyunjin blows the smoke away.

“i see, are you done smoking?” the tall one hums while he puts out his cigarette. “can you brush your teeth? i wanna kiss you.”

“cute. but i thought you were used to it by now.” he coos leaning really close to han’s face.

“oh i am, excuse me for not wanting to taste like death when i just woke up.” the boy smirks and shoves the other to the bathroom. he doesn't let go of hyunjin, though. he kept hold real tight to the older like his life depended of that. it's not his fault after all, he’s needy and needs to be cuddled. 

hyunjin does what he has been told while jisung keeps pecking his bare back. he's needier than usual, the older wonders why. he's not complaining, of course, it's nice to have him like that but the blonde boy’s changes of humor aren't trustable.  _ he _ isn't trustable. 

he turns to the small boy and kisses him, everything tastes like toothpaste but hyunjin can't deny, one of his favorite things will always be the sensation of jisung’s warm tongue against his. they pull out of the kiss breathless, the younger presses his forehead against the other’s, smiling a little bit.

“i'm hungry.”

“you always are.” 

“i know.” he chuckles. “cook for me?” he says with his big pleading eyes. hyunjin could never say no. 

after they finish eating, jisung goes to the window and stare at the morning sky while the other keeps sitting by the table lazily sipping his coffee. no one says anything until hyunjin hears sniffles from across the room.

“will you quit your crying? i can't hear my own thoughts.” 

he doesn't ask why he's crying, and neither looks at him. he doesn't need to. 

“excuse me?”

“you're annoying.”

“can't i be fucking sad anymore?” the tall boy feels jisung by his side but he keeps sipping his drink looking at nowhere expecificaly.

“no, you can't. you know you can't.”

“and why the fuck is that? look at me” hyunjin obeys him.

“because you've done this by yourself. if you were actually feeling guilty you would've just ditched me long time ago, like you did to many others. you just want to pretend you care about anyone but yourself.” his words are harsh but he doesn't care. he needs to hear it.

jisung stares at him with an unreadable expression. hyunjin stares back, looking, to say the least, bored. 

“please get out of my house.” the younger finally says and goes back to the window. hyunjin doesn't answer, he just goes to jisung’s room to grab his clothes and go away. he thinks of saying goodbye but quits in the next second, jisung wouldn't reply anyways.

this isn't new, hyunjin thinks while waiting for the elevator. fighting with jisung isn't new since  _ he _ came to their lives. bang chan, jisung’s current boyfriend. he's a really nice guy, he can't deny that, but he doesn't like him anyways.

jisung met the australian few months ago, the bond was instantly. they started dating a couple of weeks later. hyunjin wasn't concerned, really, the blonde boy had many boyfriends before and any of them were actually a problem. until he moved in to chan’s apartment. then he realized things got serious and fuck, he wasn't prepared for that.

that's when things started to go wrong. hyunjin is fucking paranoid and gets anxious really easily and jisung… he just likes attention way more than he should. they fight pretty much everytime they see each other. they wake up, jisung starts crying out of nowhere, hyunjin gets annoyed, jisung gets mad, one of them goes away. simply like that. but they always go back to their toxic cycle, except this time maybe he was too harsh. 

his hands shakes, he realizes that while grabbing his cigarette. he's afraid jisung won't come back. he breathes in the smoke. jisung probably won't come back, why would he? hyunjin’s heart is beating fast, he thinks people are staring at him. maybe he finally got bored of him. fuck, he should quit smoking, he can't breathe properly. hyunjin might as well just end up alone, all of his friends are friends with jisung. he sees a supermarket, he's out of crackers. he should buy more.

hyunjin puts out the cigarette before entering the supermarket. it's big, he feels small. jisung also makes him feel small, even if he's the taller one. when the boy’s in the room, everyone looks at him, no one cares about the tall kid in sweatshirt. he doesn't know where are the fucking crackers. why is here so big for? everyone is staring at him, they probably think he's useless and jisung’s right of leaving him. hyunjin agrees with them. his head hurts.

he finds the crackers session after a while. his hands still shakes. what is jisung doing right now? hyunjin looks at the packets, he doesn't know which to pick. they all look the same. are they the same brand? no, there are too many of them to be the same thing. he wonders if jisung also gets indecise of which crackers to pick. he fucking feels like crying, but he can't. people will stare. they are staring. c’mon, hyunjin, just pick any of them. the time is passing, people are looking. it's really hot, the air conditioner is probably broken. he needs to pick something quick. everyone is starting to laugh at him. jisung would laugh at him too. he looks stupid. he's sweating a lot. he knocks the shelf. hyunjin didn't realized that until he sees a bunch of packets on the floor. now people are definitely staring. he just runs away.

ok, this week he'll run out of crackers. they were probably bad luck. he doesn't think jisung likes crackers. his lungs feel like they're about to blow out but the tall boy isn't really against the idea, he might just enjoy one last cigarette to celebrate as well. it's getting hard to focus on the streets, they all look the fucking same and so are the buildings, which means hyunjin can't find his own house. how pathetic is that? he's pissed of, to say the least. he feels like he could kick the shit out of every single person that's staring at him. damn, when did it get this hot? he needs to find his house quickly otherwise he'll pass out in the middle of the avenue and the last thing he needs right now is more people looking at how much of a weirdo he is. 

hyunjin finds his building not much later, which is relieving but his head still hurts, a lot. he didn't remember how small this goddamn elevator was. everything hurts so bad, he just wants to fucking breath. when he arrives to his floor his first instinct is to run like his life depends on that to his apartment. he grab his keys inside is backpack but it's hard as fuck to pick the right one when he can't even control his own hands. the black haired boy feels so stupid, he wants to cry. he hates crying, it's for weak people. maybe that's why jisung cries so much, he needs to be protect all the time. or at least he wants people to believe that so everyone gives his precious attention, hyunjin doesn't know at this point. after a couple of minutes, that felt like hours, he manage to open the doors and he slams it the hardest he can. he starts to furiously undress his clothes, his skin burns like hell. with only his underwear he sits by the door and stares at his living room. he doesn't have much furniture, but he does have a lot of pictures. that's one of the things that made hyunjin happy the most, besides the the small boy a few blocks away. some of them have his friends, others his family, his dog or just the some view he found pretty. but he just realized that jisung in most of them, it's even scary, really. it looks like a obsession. maybe jisung is really hyunjin's obsession. he doesn't remember who he was before him. he smacks his head at the door at the thought. it hurts, but he can't name anything in him that isn't aching, so he smacks again, and again, and maybe once again. hyunjin didn't realize he was crying until he hiccups. he can't see his living room and neither breath properly. the boy curls on the floor. he just wants to be normal.

he cries for a while, he's not sure how long. he feels dizzy when he stands up, when was the last time he ate? he walks to the shelf and grabs his favorite picture. jisung was sitting on his lap, the both of them smiling really big. it was a happy day, a friend of theirs was throwing his birthday party. there were no fights, there were even no sex, it was just them being normal people and having fun for once. hyunjin really loves that boy a whole lot, it's overwhelming. he smiles a little bit and suddenly throws the picture frame to the wall. there's glass everywhere, he doesn't know why he did that. it felt good. he does it again with another picture, and then again, and again. he starts to breaking everything in his sight while cursing and, once again, crying. every single memory hurts like hell, no matter how good it was, the tall boy doesn't really understand why. he doesn't stop until he broke every single one of them.

he stares at the messy room, there are glass and photos everywhere. he thinks his feet is bleeding a little bit of walking through the mess but he doesn't mind, he lays on his couch and stares at the ceiling. when did he get in here? his life is a mess, his mind is a mess, his house is a mess. and for what? a boy. i mean, jisung is not any boy, he's really… something else. hyunjin can’t explain how but that boy is absolutely unique in every way, and it's so fucking addicting he just can't stay away even if he wanted to. he thinks about him all the time, he misses him all the time. yeah, he's definitely obsessed with him. oh well, fuck. 

he remembers of his psychiatrist after his conclusion. hyunjin is getting more and more pills to contain his anxiety ever since he met jisung. she says he should stop seeing him, she's right, yeah, he knows that, but it's not up to him. the only way he'll stop seeing him is by the blonde one leaving because of boredness. and that day will come, the both of them know that, the real question is  _ when.  _ everytime they fight the tall boy thinks the day has finally come but he's never sure either he thanks that or hopes he's wrong. today is no different, he was harsher than usual and he's really afraid he'll never see him again. he wonders if the other will just find someone else. 

hyunjin looks at the ceiling for so long he thinks he already memorized every single flaw in it, he also started to hate the white color. the door opens. he doesn't make a move to see who's there. there's only one person that has the key to his apartment.

“you made such a mess this time, didn't you?” hyunjin doesn't answer. there are steps over the pieces of glass, the person is heading to the couch, he knows that. he keeps looking at the ceiling. he feels someone sitting on his lap, with each leg by the hyunjin’s side. “baby, can you please look at me?” he obeys.

“that hoodie is mine.” hyunjin states while looking at a even smaller jisung in his white hoodie.

“i know, that's why i'm wearing it.” he chuckles. “i like the way you smell.” the older just hums at it. “wanna tell me what happened in here?” he holds the boy’s face in his hands, brushing it with his thumbs.

“i freaked out, i guess.”

“you guess?” he laughs a little bit.

“i didn't think you'd come back.”

“you know i always do.”

“you do. until when?” jisung doesn't have an answer for that. he just kisses slowly the other boy. hyunjin doesn't complain and hold him.

“did you know i like you a whole lot?” of course the younger would change the subject, but he goes along with a smirk.

“i do, you're no bad yourself too.” the blond boy giggles. that's the cutest sound hyunjin has ever heard.

“wanna watch some dumbass movie while i suck you off?” jisung smiles at him while standing up and offering him his hand.

“you don't need to ask twice, pretty thing.” and the boys head to the older’s room.

♡

it's monday. it's still dark outside. jisung is asleep, he looks beautiful like that. hyunjin needs a cigarette.

**Author's Note:**

> [ccat](https://curiouscat.me/rohji) | [twt](https://mobile.twitter.com/LESBlHAN)


End file.
